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despite her best endeavour was much messier than ALL of my children, and I realised the message to me. I know someone who comes from a quiet family and was always considered noisy and extroverted by them. She got pushed to take on roles in public which she was uncertain about because the label only worked within the family circle and in fact she feels under pressure because of their expectations of her. It is interesting to listen to what family members say to one another. I listen to them on the bus and in queues. The use of threats to make children behave in a certain way is very common, and they are usually empty... from “ I’ll kill you in a minute if you don’t stop” or “I’ll murder you” to “You’ll be walking home if you don’t sit down” and “No one will want to play with you if you cry”. Threats of what other people will do, say or think without any consultation are very common. The child learns to be afraid in case any of these things do happen - part of him wants to believe that his parents tell the truth - and he learns to mistrust what he is told. The use of bribes if a child is “good” has a similar effect and I was recently discussing the effect this had on a child with a friend. Part of the problem is that the child usually has to guess what is expected of him (just what does being good mean and does everyone agree on a definition?) and is often a completely unreasonable expectation of a young child (like sitting still or quietly for a long period). If you were a well-behaved child at school and the teacher said you would all go for a walk in the park in the afternoon if you were good children you would have restrained yourself or finished your work or whatever was required. If you were brought up in a family where people generally meant what they said, you would see it as a worthwhile aim. How do you feel now when you realise that the teacher was going to take you all anyway and even the naughty children who didn’t finish their work went too? Quite a lot of what we learn is built on premises of this sort and it can be upsetting to realise that there is not after all a causative effect as we believed - or were led to believe - between our actions and reward by others. This belief about cause and effect is widespread in abusive relationships where one partner seems to have power over the other. A woman who is injured by her partner often believes that she must have done something “wrong” to make him beat her - even if she has been making sure that she does everything she thinks he wants because he’s done it before. She may spend ages trying to work out what it was so that she can feel he is justified and she’s not living with an unreasonable man. Relationships are based on our experiences of them so far in our lives. So how would a child be if it did get all those things it needed? Think about what your life would be like. | ||
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CATHERINE HOLLAND Tel: 0701 7415310 Email: catherine@catherineholland.co.uk | |
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